it could start from right here
you’ve got to start somewhere
there has to be a your rock bottom that shocks you…
I found mine, not like a crazy depth defying dark wretched place
just a dip,
well, more like a short plummet
that lasted six months.
the downward spiral ends here.
you’ve got to start somewhere
I decided, I can put on the breaks today.
so, I got up, and made a choice, to take a little care,
clean myself up,
put on a shirt that’s too tight,
and agree that I deserve a fresh start, to get back to doing it,
again.
I can start here…
from a place that really isn’t so bad, just a bit blue.
I can do a little nice thing for myself each day,
ingest food that is nourishing,
and let go of the people who are toxic.
there are pockets of people, near and far
who make me feel, warm, loved, connected.
I can call them, and make room for them.
life will always be a struggle, and the sink will always be full of dishes,
well almost always, except tonight…. I washed them all, one by one, until the sink was emptied out.
now, I feel a little better.
Quote reblogged from Compasion, Charity, Wisdom, and the Truth. with 107 notes
If you love a person, you say to that person, “Look, I love you, whatever that may be. I’ve seen quite a bit of it and I know there’s lots that I haven’t seen, but still it’s you and I want you to be what you want to be. And I won’t be happy if I’ve got you in a cage. You’d be a bird without song
Source: peaceloveenlightenment
retro-backwards-n’stuff
brilliant at the game of self-sabotage
I’ve spent the last six months
physically and emotionally tearing myself apart
while I should feel joy …
there is something else, a blue feeling
that I’ve been unable to shake since the summer.
it blooms from a string of failures, that cannot be undone.
while I know my greatest growth blooms in the bed of my mistakes,
I feel I am not accustomed to this many links
in a chain of disasters
all perpetuated by a willful desire to make a change
that won’t budge or emerge.
so… I’m in the same spot, doing the same thing
differently —
sometimes better.
if only, I could take better care of myself,
give myself the holistic nourishment,
when I stop tearing myself apart,
the ability will arise, to heal myself
from the inside out.
splat n stick
there I go again…
throwing my heart against a brick wall
and watching it explode
and SPLAT
dripping goo, bits sticking
to the uneven edges
bits of gravel mixed into combusted parts
no longer resembling
what it used to be.
reincarnated livelihood becomes right livelihood
click the picture… to read my latest Death Becomes Her blog post …..
swish
a little more time
is something I don’t get
even when I ask nicely
time…..
can’t be caught, or held onto.
another day….
swish….
swirling down the drain….
I’d go to sleep, but I might still be able to catch a few extra minutes before bed time.
1385
it was one of the most challenging choices I’ve ever made.
the journey put me on the path.
I met some of the most amazing people,
and got closer to someone I’ve admired my entire life.
seeing inside myself for 1385 days
without a filter
or a veil
or escape
I learned to be me, in the skin that I’m in.
embracing the darkness, I let it go.
I have nothing to escape from.
gratitude for my 1385 days, and for the adventure
sobriety offered me.
nye
last night
I didn’t set any resolutions
I just made a determination
that it is time to Let Go.
so I did, and I woke up
FREE.
Happy New Year.
a thought…
finding myself stumbling over recycled notions
of what I think might be good ideas
may seem a little reckless
but I’d rather take risks
and let the synapses send out electrified messages
than miss out on those vulnerable moments
that make life so very, very interesting.
it takes a minute to like someone, an hour to love someone, but to forget someone it takes a lifetime….
The best religion is the one that gets you closest to God. It is the one that makes you a better person.
gratitude note
what am I grateful for today? the Gift of knowing that there were three men this year that brought me the feeling of possibility… when I was so sure that all hope was lost. I’d rather be heartbroken, than feel nothing at all…
sort of.
not again….
they say… this
and they say that
and girls know this
and people know that
and they all have answers
and tell me what to do
but in the end… it is all the same.
Not Again, not again.
and they hand me books
and send me articles
the speak their truths
and know the answers
and they know best
when their lives suck harder
I’m not listening
Not again, not again.
this isn’t about authority
or right
or wrong
but if I’m gonna end up in the same place
for another round
in the same rut
of the broken record
revolving …. endlessly… crackling under the weight of the needle…
crack, pop, same song, crack pop, same song….
then it really doesn’t matter
what I do.
because I’m gonna land here… again.
the year draws to an end, some things better, somethings worse… but inside, in the core of my soul, it is all redundant … the emotions are fettered by the same pain. it’s all the same.
I will set intentions, make resolutions, declare that next year will be different.
I will read that article, and finish that book.
I will take that class.
I will get my ass back on that cushion.
I will go back to the gym.
I will go back to the dharma.
I will eat with compassion.
I will get back up on that tightrope and walk my path….
because I really don’t want to end up right here… at the home base of my emotional void… and feel this way.
Not again, not again.
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